Clarisse Confesses
by Clarisse Elizondo
Summary: Some pages from Clarisse's diary. Just her thoughts on certain events that occurred during the movies and also things that I think occurred during the five year gap. I'm making the rating M for future chapters but the first couple will be rated K and I will give warning if entry is M for those of you who do not like to read M. Also you will be able to read one entry and not the n
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Some pages from Clarisse's diary. Just her thoughts on certain events that occurred during the movies and also things that I think occurred during the five year gap. **I'm making the rating M for future chapters but the first couple will be rated K+ and I will give warning if entry is M for those of you who do not like to read M. **Also you will be able to read one entry and not the next and not be too terrible lost if you decide not to read the M stuff.

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Author's Note: Some of you know that I have been on holiday and it has been killing me not to be able to send my personal Thank you's out so for those who have read and reviewed the past couple stories THANK YOU you are are the BEST!

This is not my typical fanfic but those of you who write know that you can't just stop thinking about your story because you are on holiday so since i didn't have a lot of time to write, I decided to write these small entries from Clarisse's private diary.

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Clarisse Confesses

Dear Diary,

Today I met my granddaughter Amelia for the first time. Before her arrival I was a total wreck but Joseph assured me that she was probably just as nervous and that I needed to just be myself and that she would surely love me. Oh how I had hoped that he was right and at first things seemed to be going well, albeit they were a little awkward.

I noticed straightaway her appearance was not that of a princess but beneath her bushy hair and eyebrows was a rather lovely girl who reminds me so very much of Phillipe. She has his eyes and his ears; it almost hurts me to look into her eyes because they remind me so much of him. I miss him dearly every day.

I was surprised that she had put the locket I gave her on right away and I thought for a moment that everything was going to be fine, but then at tea when I told her that she was a princess and the next in line to rule Genovia she reacted in a way I wasn't prepared for. I thought every little girl wanted to be a princess but I guess I was wrong because after hearing the news she ran away and even though I called after her she continued to leave. Joseph of course had seen the entire thing unfold and again tried to offer his support although I know he wasn't thrilled when I asked him to be her babysitter and chauffer. The only reason I asked him was because he is the only one I trust to keep her safe, although it will be difficult not having him by my side every day. I know the others are capable of doing the job but there is something about Joseph that makes me feel safe.

How am I going to convince Amelia that she should accept the role? I think with my help she would make a fine ruler of Genovia but more than all that I really just want to know my granddaughter. I never really wanted to stay out of her life until she was eighteen but Phillipe had asked me to honor his and Helen's wishes and although it broke my heart not to be able to see her, I agreed. I was willing to give her a normal childhood for as long as possible because I never had that opportunity and I knew even back then, that once she became Queen she would look back and be thankful for that time in her life. However, now she needed to know the truth and she needs to make a decision that will not only affect her but also the fate of Genovia.

I really wish she had allowed me the time to explain things a little more over tea instead of running off. Perhaps we could have come to some sort of a compromise, it isn't like I expect her to rule tomorrow.

What will I do if she turns down the role? The thought never really entered in my mind until now I guess I thought that she would just be so happy after I told her she was a princess that she would accept on the spot but now I just don't know what she is going to do.

When Joseph stopped by my suite this evening to let me know that Mia had made it home safely, he tried to tell me that teenagers were unpredictable and that I just needed to give her time to adjust to the idea. Joseph always knows when something is bothering me and he always seem to say exactly what I need to hear. I could have almost kissed him when he suggested that perhaps Mia could take a few 'princess lessons' before she made her decision. That was a great idea because it would help Amelia and it would allow me time to get to know my granddaughter better. I'm hoping that she will at least agree to the lessons, I'm not sure what I will do if she rejects the idea.

~TBC~


	2. Chapter 2: The Wango

Dear Diary,

Today has been very interesting. The morning started out as any other, with meetings, telephone calls and of course the never ending paper work. Then this afternoon, Amelia came by after school for her first 'princess lesson' as Joe and Charlotte has termed them, it went rather well. Joe taught her the traditional Genovian dance in which Amelia has now termed the 'Wango'. The dance started off a little rough and poor Joseph took a lot of elbows in the stomach but he was patient with her as always and eventually she made the spin without hurting anyone. After I dismissed her for the day, out of nowhere Joseph approached me and turned the music back on, his voice took on a sultry tone as he told me "You've been wearing black …too long" I will never forget those words as when he spoke them it caused a chill to run up my spine, even now just thinking about that moment causes me to have goose bumps.

When Joseph took my hand today it was different from all the other times we have danced before. Those times we were in public, we were a Queen and her Head of Security, but today it was just Joseph and Clarisse. We have always danced well with one another and today was no different. We set our rhythm quickly, but today in the consulate's ballroom instead of having a respectable distance between us when he spun me back into his strong arms he pulled my body closer to his than it has ever been before. I could feel his warmth radiating from his body as mine swayed against his. It took all my control not to press my body firmly against his and when our eyes locked, I could have melted into him as the temperature between us rose. My body reacted to his touch like it has never reacted to another man's before, my nipples tightened and I began to ache for his touch. When the dance ended I had wished that he would have pushed me up against the column and kissed me properly, but instead he left me anxious and wanting…wanting more, much more.

I know that Joseph felt the electricity that passed between us and I'm sure he too wanted more at the end of the dance because his eyes had turned dark with desire, mirroring mine, I'm certain. I know we should really talk about what happened today but I'm afraid if I was to go to him or even have him come here to my private suite that there wouldn't be much talking taking place. Instead I'm certain we would act upon our desire for one another.

Perhaps Joseph was right, I have been wearing black for too long. Tomorrow, I'm going to wear something with color…for him, I'm sure I have something colorful in my closet somewhere... thinking about it, yes I do. Tomorrow I shall wear my light pink business suit. I wonder if he will notice? Who am I kidding, knowing Joseph, he will notice straight away.


	3. Chapter 3 Independence Day Ball

Dear Diary,

Tonight started off as a complete disaster but thankful my knight in shining armor came to my rescue or shall I say Mia's rescue just in time. I was just about to tell the people of Genovia that Mia would not be taking her rightful place as their Princess when I heard a throat clear. Turning I saw a soaking wet Mia standing in front of a smiling Joseph, at that moment my heart swelled with pride as I knew that she was going to announce herself as Princess of Genovia. Her speech was beautiful as she spoke from her heart.

The Independence Day ball was as any other except tonight Joseph cut in on Sebastian's dance. The moment his hand took mine, a thousand butterflies took flight in my stomach. I was thankful that I had plenty of practice dancing this dance as I'm certain I would have missed a step when he told me that he had the same idea as Mia and her date. I have never been as nervous dancing with a man as I was tonight. Joseph and I have danced together many times at functions but tonight something was different. The way he looked at me, the way he held my body closer to his, everything about this dance was different; it was as if electricity was passing from my body to his.

Just as I had finally gotten my nerves under control he dismisses the guard at my door and then reaches over taking my hand in his, searing the back of it with a kiss, even through my glove I could feel the heat. I was certain the my heart was going to beat out of my chest as he opened the door to my suite only to turn me around pinning my body between the cold door and his warm body. Before I could even protest, not that I was planning on it, let's be honest I wanted nothing more than for this moment to transpire, he pressed his lips gently against mine at first but then the kiss turned hotter as I traced my tongue across his lips inviting him into my mouth. We stood there kissing and holding each other for what could have been minutes or hours, I'm not even sure because I'm certain the world stopped at that moment. I had been dreaming of kissing him ever since the 'wango' and tonight I did and it was far better than any dream. The moment he pulled away, bidding me a goodnight I felt like a part of my soul was walking out the door. After tonight I know that I need Joseph as more than just my bodyguard. I think that I might be falling in love with him and that idea scares me to death. I've never been in love before. I'm not sure I can handle this and preparing Mia but I know I must try. Perhaps I should tell Joseph how I feel, though I'm uncertain on how to tell him or furthermore how to tell the country that their Queen is in love with her HOS. Maybe I should just say nothing at all and just let things play out.

Why is love so complicated?


	4. Chapter 4: Frustration

**Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed these short little entries, especially Veve, Jo, and Mrs. Elizondo you gals rock!**

Dear Diary,

Why are men so confusing? Tonight marked one year since Joseph and I started seeing one another secretly and things have been going great, except that we have never made it past kissing and the occasional touch here or there. Quite frankly it is frustrating! I had planned on changing all that tonight. Before he arrived I picked out a short gown that was sexy but not too revealing and a matching dressing gown that only came to my mid- thigh. I had invited him earlier to my suite for a quite dinner and then a movie which was a 'normal' date for us and as usually we never make it through a movie without 'making out' as Mia refers to it. I had just removed his black t-shirt from over his head as he continued kissing me while hovering over my body on the couch and just as things were starting to heat up he pushes back and grabs his shirt putting it back on before kissing me on the forehead while whispering his apologies and then he walked out the door.

If I wasn't frustrated before I certainly am now! I knew that tonight was going to be the night but boy was I wrong. I can't believe that he would let it get so far and then just walk away like nothing had happen. Perhaps I was wrong about Joseph maybe he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do him. Maybe he is just doing this because he feels obligated to…I certainly hope not. What will I do if he is? It's not like I can just stop loving him but if he does love me then why will he not make love to me?

I suppose we should discuss it, but what am I to say "Joseph, why will you not sleep with me?" that sounds a little too desperate. Ugh, MEN!

Maybe he will just explain himself in the morning…hopefully that's what will happen.


	5. Chapter 5: I love you

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who is reading this story even if you want to throw a brick at me! LOL By the way Jo you are the reason for those three little words. Your PM completely changed my chapter but in a good way.

Dear Diary,

It's only lunchtime and I'm already so nervous and a little excited about tonight. This morning I dressed early and made my way over to Joseph chamber, I would say that I woke up early but truthfully I never went to sleep. I just kept running the scene from last night over in my head trying to come up with why he behaved like he did. Upon entering his suite I could tell that he too hadn't slept very much the previous night.

_"Joseph, we need to talk" as she entered the room taking a seat in the sofa_

_"I know, I'm sorry about last night" he said moving to sit next to her, taking her hand in his_

_Looking down at their intertwined hands "Why did you leave?" she spoke barely above a whisper_

_Taking a moment to gather his thoughts he too stared at their hands "I'm scared" he said looking up at her to gauge her reaction at his words_

_"What are you afraid of?" she asked_

_"I'm afraid that once we cross that bridge that there is no going back. I don't want to lose you or mess things up between us."_

_"Joseph" she said cupping his face with her free hand "I know that things will change between us but that's what I desperately want. I know that once that bridge has been crossed we can't go back but I have no intentions on doing that, you know how I feel about you. I want to share this level of deep intimacy with you and no one else."_

_"You are sure this is really what you want?" he asked "because I'm not sure how many more times I can pull myself away from you, especially after you were so tempting last night" he chuckled watching as she closed the distance to kiss him._

_After the brief kiss she pulled back "Have dinner with me tonight and I won't let you pull away" she said cheekily moving to his lap as she deepened her kiss. _

_"I'll make sure I pin you down' she whispered between kisses while snaking her arms around him._

"Mmm is that a promise?" He smiled kissing her several times while wrapping his arms around her waist.

"You sir have just got yourself a date" she smiled.

"Mmm a promising date!" He chuckled kissing her once more before they heard a knock on the door.

And now I'm kicking myself for not going to him last night. So now I must sit at my desk and go over this paperwork while trying not to think about tonight. Today is going to be a long day especially since I have no meetings this afternoon and nothing to really occupy my mind until dinner. Joseph however has several meeting this afternoon, so it's not like I can kill my afternoon with him.

_Sitting at the table, staring at the empty space across from her, she pushed her plate away knowing in reality that his meeting had run over but her heart couldn't help but think that maybe he wasn't going to show._

_Two hours later she heard the faint knock on her door. "Come in" she said while standing from the table to make her way across the room_

_"Darling, I'm so sorry I'm late my meeting ran over and then the traffic was insane" he said while wrapping his arms around her. "Hey what's this about?" he said pulling back from her wiping the stray tear that slipped down her face_

_"I'm sorry I thought that you may have changed your mind" she whispered burying her face into his chest breathing in the scent of his cologne_

_"I would never miss an opportunity to spend time with you" he said drawing her closer kissing the top of her head_

_"Would you like some dinner? Although it may be cold by now" she smiled at him_

_"It doesn't look like you ate very much" he stated looking at her plate_

_"I wasn't that hungry" she said_

_"Clarisse I know what we discussed this morning but I don't want our first time to something that we have penciled into our schedules. I want it to be special, you deserve special." _

_"So what you are leaving after dinner?" she asked_

_"I didn't say that"_

_Standing she walked over to the window "Joseph if you don't love me the way I love you then that's fine I will find a way to accept it but please stop toying with my emotions"_

_Joseph about choked on his wine at her last words "I'm sorry what did you say?" he asked moving to stand behind her_

_"I said if you don't love me then please stop toying with my emotions"_

_Turning her to face him "not that part, the bit before it" he said resting his hands on her hips_

_"If you don't love me the way I love you then that's…"_

_Crushing his lips to hers engulfing her in a fiery kiss before pulling back "You…you love me?" he asked_

_"Of course I love you Joseph. I would have asked you here tonight if I didn't love you"_

_"I've waited a long time to hear those words come from your lips" he said kissing her again "I love you too Clarisse with all that I am"_

_Scooping her up into his arms she began to protest "What are you doing?" she asked_

_"I believe you made me a promise this morning, my lady" he said cheekily _

_"I believe I did" she replied as he laid her on the bed_

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Last night was incredible! I have never experienced anything that magical before it was as if I had died and gone to heaven. Joseph was so attentive, he knew exactly what to do to elicit the response he desired; I only hope I didn't disappoint him. The greatest part of the entire night however was when I told him that I loved him and he said it back. I had imagined a thousand ways I could tell him those three special, life changing words and none of them were in the middle of an argument. I suppose the how doesn't really matter as long as the feelings behind them are true, and I DO love him…more than he will ever know.


	6. Chapter 6: The Death Anniversary

Dear Diary,

Today or at least what is left of it, is the first anniversary of Phillipe's death. When I woke up this morning I didn't even want to climb out of the bed but then there was a knock on my bedroom door and assuming it was Olivia my lady's maid, I permitted entry only to be surprised to find that it was Joseph holding a large bouquet of roses.

_Pulling the sheet up to cover myself although I'm not sure exactly why when have made love now several times. I asked "Joseph, what are you doing here so early?" as I looked over at the clock on my nightstand._

_"I wanted to bring you these before Olivia showed up this morning" he said placing the vase on my nightstand "and to see how you are doing"_

_"You remembered?"_

_"Of course, I remembered" he said kissing my lips lovingly _

Joseph wasn't the only one who had remembered the events of this day a year ago, it seems everyone in the palace had remembered, the entire staff was dressed in black and several members of Parliament called this morning to offer their condolences. Dear Charlotte bless her had made sure that my schedule was full enough to keep me occupied but not so much that I was overwhelmed and the paper work that is always never ending seemed to have disappeared today. I suppose she thought that if I had time to sit behind my desk and do paperwork then I might have time to think about what happened. Although I was upset this morning to find that she had changed my routine, she was right I would have let my mind wander. I'll have to be sure and thank her later.

This evening Joseph came to my suite to 'discuss security issues' or at least that is what Charlotte had penciled into the schedule, instead he came up and held me as we sat in silence on the sofa for a long time before he finally spoke.

_"Penny for your thoughts" he said_

_"I was just thinking about how supportive the staff was today"_

_"Mmm"_

_"And how we sat like this last year" she said looking over her shoulder at him_

_"I have never dreaded coming to see you like I did that morning" he confessed "I would have given anything not to have had to bring you that news" he finished rubbing his hand along her arm as she had now scooted down the sofa laying on her side, resting her head in his lap._

_"I know." She said as she ran her hand across his knee "Thank you for not leaving me that day and for being here for me today as well" she said turning onto her back so she could see his face_

_Running his fingers through her hair looking down into her big blue eyes he said "I will always be here for you Clarisse, no matter what happens or what life throws at us. I will be here." He finished by cupping her cheek_

_Raising up, she took his face in both her hands kissing him properly before pulling back "Thank you. I don't know how I would make it without you" she said kissing him once more as he wrapped his arms around her waist pulling her onto his lap_

He told me that he would always be here for me no matter what happens or what life throws at us and I can't help but to believe him. I have a feeling though that these next several years are not going to be easy for us, as we have to keep our relationship secret until Mia takes the throne. These next four years are going to pass excruciatingly slow but with Joseph by my side I know we can make it through anything.


	7. Chapter 7: Their Anniversary

Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed this story along with all the people who have added this story along with other to their favorites this week. You all ROCK!

Oh and because the last couple of entries were kind of short I'm going to post more than one tonight!

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Dear Diary,

Today has been absolutely wonderful! This morning I awoke to having breakfast brought to me in bed, no doubt arranged by Joseph. Then when I made it down to the office there were at four dozen roses in an arrangement sitting in the middle of the coffee table, the note simply said "A dozen for each year".

My day had been pretty hectic and I barely had time to think let alone steal a moment to be with Joseph but of course he had Charlotte schedule a security meeting. He had whisked me out to the far end of the grounds that overlooked the ocean while we enjoyed a wonderful picnic lunch and an hour of completely uninterrupted time. It was heaven on earth at least for an hour. After lunch I had moved to set between his legs resting my back against his hard, muscular stomach when he reached around in front of me holding a velvet box.

_"Jo…Joseph what is this?" she asked sitting up as he handed her the box_

_"It's your anniversary present" he said smiling, kissing her cheek "Open it" _

_Opening the box she revealed a beautiful gold watch "Oh Joseph it's beautiful, I love it. Thank you" she said turning to kiss him_

_"Turn it over" he instructed_

_Turning it over she saw the engraving 'Our time will come. Love J' _

_"Joseph, it's wonderful"_

"_I know you didn't need a watch because a queen is never late" he chuckled as she smiled up at him "but I figured you could wear this every day until our time comes…without drawing undo attention._

_Kissing him passionately until the need for air overtook them, she pulled back looking into his eyes "I'll wear it every day with pride, I love you"_

_"I love you too"_

I will wear this watch every day and not just because it is beautiful but because it is from Joseph. Rupert had given me several pieces of jewelry over the years but this is by far the most precious gift I have received.

The day didn't end there though after my last meeting I returned to my suite to find a hot bath awaiting me and candles everywhere, on the bed was a note.

_Just relax and take a nice hot bath and when you get out dinner will be in the sitting room. Dress is casual_

Dinner was excellent he had brought up all my favorites and now I'm just waiting for him to finish his last set of rounds before he slips back into my suite through the passageway so we can end this perfect day in each other's arms.


	8. Chapter 8: Sickness

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and read this you all ROCK! This is dedicated to Johanna, I hope it helps your time at work pass faster!

Dear Diary,

This morning when Joseph came into the office for our morning meeting I could tell straightaway that something was wrong. His face was flush, there was perspiration on his head and he seemed to be moving slower than normal.

_"Joseph are you feeling alright?" she asked with concern in her voice coming from her desk to where he was standing._

_"I'm fine, I just have a headache and a chill no need to worry about me" he said moving to sit on the couch_

_ Pressing her hand to his head before drawing it back "dear lord you are burning up" Standing she stretched out her arm prompting him to take her hand "Come on" she said_

_Groaning as he stood "where are we going" he asked_

_Looking back at him as they made their way out into the hallway "I'm taking you back to your room and you are getting back in bed" she said "and I don't want to hear another word about it Joseph" she finished leaving him no room to challenge her on the matter _

_Bumping into Charlotte on the way she instructed her to call the doctor while she got him settled._

_Once in the room Clarisse got Joseph settled into the bed and she pulled a chair up next to the edge of it holding his hand and rubbing a cool cloth across his head while they waited for the doctor_

Upon leaving my office we bumped into Charlotte, I informed her to contact the doctor to ask him to come over. After getting Joseph settled I pulled up a chair to the bed, holding onto his hand as I rubbed a cool cloth across his head while waiting for the doctor. When he arrived the doctor instructed Joseph or rather me to make sure that he gets plenty of fluids and rest but if his temperature gets too high to call him back.

I sat by his side for as long as I could but I had several meeting that I had to attend and it killed my soul to leave him alone even if it was only for several hours but Charlotte assured me that she would check in on him.

When I returned later that night I found Joseph sleeping but he still had a rather high fever. Pulling up the chair I sat there for some time just watching him until he began to toss in the bed. I went to fetch another cool cloth but when I returned I heard Joseph speaking and at first I thought he had woken but then I heard the words.

_"Don't go, don't leave me Marlena"_

Marlena? Who's Marlena. Joseph had never mentioned a woman named Marlena before perhaps it is a sister, cousin or friend.

_"I can't live without you" he said tossing in the bed violently "Breathe…please" he pleaded "I love you"_

He loved her. How could he not have told me about her? Who is she?

_"Please don't die" he said as tears slipped from his sleeping eyes_

Die? Okay how could he have never mentioned this to me after all that we have been through together. Does he not trust me?

_Lost in her own thoughts as she moved the cloth across his head she almost missed what he said next_

_"Move on? I want to move forward Marlena but Clarisse isn't ready" he murmured while twisting once more in the bed_

Is he talking to her now? I have to wake him up from this nightmare.

_Shaking him a little she heard him speak once more_

_ "Love her? More than anything, I would give anything to make her happy"_

_Now sitting on the bed beside him she shook him once more, rousing him from his restless slumber_

_"Joseph are you okay?" she asked placing the cloth on his neck and the front of his chest_

_"My body aches all over, why do you ask?" he questioned _

_Shaking her head "No reason, I was just wondering how you felt" she said_

_Cupping her cheek with his hand turning her head to make her look at him "Clarisse, we have known each other for a long time and even though I'm sick I can still tell when something is bothering you"_

_"Don't worry about it, it's silly" she said_

_"I have known you to be silly dear, please tell me what is bothering you?"_

_"When you were sleeping you were having a conversation with a Marlena and well you have never mentioned her before"_

_"She was my fiancée, I was twenty when she was killed. We were supposed to be meeting for coffee when she was mugged, she tried to fight and the man shot her. I made it to her before she passed. What was I saying to her? Because I don't remember anything since early this morning."_

_"I'm so sorry Joseph why haven't you told me before now?"_

_"It was a long time ago Clarisse and I didn't wish to burden you with my past. You didn't answer my question though what did I say?"_

_Smiling at him she decided that she wouldn't tell him everything she had heard "Just that you loved me and would do anything to make me happy, you also said that I wasn't ready."_

_"Ready for what?" he asked with questioning eyes_

_"I don't know you didn't say anything other than 'Clarisse isn't ready'" _

_Taking her hand in his squeezing it as he rubbed his thumb across the palm of her hand "I love you Clarisse, there was a time when I thought I loved Marlena but now I realize that I have only truly love one woman and that woman is …you"_

_Leaning down she pressed her lips briefly to his "Clarisse you are going to get sick"_

_"It doesn't matter; I can't help myself when you talk like that. I love you too"_

When Joseph told me that I was the only woman he had truly ever loved it melted my heart and I fell in love with him all over again. If he hadn't of been so sick I would have crawled into his arms and made love to him. I hate that he is sick but I'm also grateful because he may have never told me about this painful part of his past. I do hope he gets better quickly because this is only the first night and this bed already seems cold and empty without him in it next to me.


	9. Chapter 9: Graduation

Author's note: here are three short entries but i promise the next one will be a lot longer. Thanks for all the continued support you all are AWESOME!

Dear Diary,

Today Joseph left to bring Amelia home to Genovia for good. I'm having very mixed emotions about today, well this week actually, see I'm sad because Joseph left and although we spent the night together in each other's arms, it will be an entire week before I get to see him again. I will miss him both personally and professionally, I never feel as safe when he isn't here to guard me. Also because Parliament thinks it's more important for me to be here than at my only granddaughters college graduation. However, I'm also happy, one because Amelia will graduate on Thursday and will be back in Genovia Friday to start the transition of taking over the country. It will be hard to turn the reins over to her but I know deep in my heart that she will make an excellent Queen. The second reason is a bit more selfish, by her taking over the crown, that puts Joseph and I one step closer to FINALLY being free. I can't wait until her coronation so I can tell the world of our love.

Dear Diary,

Today is Thursday the day of Mia's graduation. Joseph called and told me this afternoon that he had emailed a picture to Charlotte of her walking across the stage to receive her diploma. He is always thinking of me no matter how far away he is. The picture he sent I will treasure forever, I regret not standing up to Parliament so I could be there in person but with all the new changes and still trying to sell Mia to them I thought it best not to rock the boat.

I'm sure little sleep will come tonight…I'm too excited about seeing Mia and Joseph again. They really are the only family I have beside Pierre of course and I can't wait to have 'my' family back together again and for good this time.

Joseph called a short time ago to let me know that they were fixing to take off and should be here just after dinner. It is such a long trip from California and I know they will both be exhausted from the flight but it will all be worth it when they arrive.

I have had Charlotte working closely with Rupert's cousin to insure Mia's suite is finished by tomorrow evening barring no complications and well I intend on taking good care of Joseph and show him exactly how much I missed him.

Dear Diary,

I can't believe this! Amelia is supposed to be here within the hour and what happens? Rupert's cousin floods her suite or at least the bathroom, so I guess my plans for this even have changed. Instead of cuddling up with Joseph after I showed him how much I missed him, I will now be sharing my suite with Mia. Please don't misunderstand, I love Mia and she is more than welcome to stay in here but I was really looking forward to some quality time with Joseph. Perhaps after she retires for the night I can slip through the passageway to his room at least for a couple hours. This is why you never hire family!


	10. Chapter 10: The Fight

Author's Note: This was the first one i wrote, it is the reason for all the other 'filler' entries. I hope you enjoy it!

Clarisse Confesses

Sitting at her desk as the tears ran freely down her face, Clarisse stared straight ahead but saw nothing. Tonight she had pushed the one good and constant thing out of her life probably forever this time. Closing her eyes she could still see Joseph's face and the pain and hurt that settled in his eyes as she muttered 'yes I have' when he asked if she had been thinking about them. Squeezing her eyes tighter together she began to sob harder knowing that she was the reason for the pain and hurt that consumed not only his heart but hers as well. Glancing at her desk she saw her diary and decided that perhaps writing her feelings out would help easy her pain and provide her with some clarity. Grabbing the book and pen she began writing, as her tears fell onto the pages as she continued to cry.

Dear Diary,

If you don't hear from me again it's because I have crawled into a hole. I swear my life is falling apart, I try so hard to please everyone around me but it seems no matter what I do it isn't good enough, there is no pleasing people. I don't even know why I try anymore. No that's a lie, I do know why.

For years I tried to please Rupert, I tried to make him love me, notice me but it was unsuccessful. It seemed the harder I tried the less interested he became in me. I think the only reason he showed me any attention at all in the beginning of our marriage was because we had a duty to produce heirs. I always remained faithful to him even though he had several dalliances, but towards the end when he became sick and all those women had lost interest in him, he came back to me. I know I deserved better than what he had given me but I yearned to be loved, to feel something, anything an I knew that I could only get that from him because he was my husband even if he didn't act like it in private. I remember the night I had expressed my feeling to him all I really wanted was to have his arms around me but again he rejected me, he only wanted me to take care of him and be his friend, and it seems he never found me desirable. As his wife and queen I fulfilled my duty once again and took care of him up until the day he passed away although in the back of my mind I know that if the tables had been turned he would not have done the same thing for me.

After Rupert died Joseph was there and he supported me like he had always done, even before his death. Joseph had become my best friend and confidant he always seemed to know exactly what I needed. Tonight however he broke my heart, he walked away from me without allowing me to explain. Although I'm not even sure what I could have said to change his mind, I have been hiding behind my duty my entire life and now my duty to my country and to Amelia have cost me my life, it cost me the one person who makes me happy, Joseph. I have no one to blame but myself.

Joseph had always been so sweet, caring, passionate, protective and patient with me, I should have known that one day his patience's would run out and he would get tired of waiting for me. Damn it, why didn't I just tell him yes? I know that I love him and I do want to be his wife but I just need to wait until Mia is queen surely he could understand that, that is exactly what I need to tell him.


	11. Chapter 11: Mia's Chaos

Author's note: I have several Thank You's today….First thank you to ShaKayla for helping me find my muse again without her I would still be looking at the cursor blink! Secondly thank you to everyone who has followed or favorite my stories and me this week. I usually thank everyone by name but there were way too many this week so THANK YOU ALL! Princess Diary readers are the BEST!

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Standing in front of her office window, staring out over the gardens Clarisse sipped a glass of brandy closing her eyes, while letting the warmth of the amber liquid slide down her throat as it warmed her insides. Taking a deep breath she straightened her back and made her way to her desk deciding that she needed to write her feelings down.

Dear Diary,

Today has been one disaster after another. First thing this morning I went down to Mia's suite to see if she would like to have breakfast with me, only when I arrived I found Lilly in her bed. However in true Mia fashion she came running in through the door followed shortly by Charlotte. After seeing that Mia had been out all night with Nicholas no matter how innocent it might have been, it was just one more thing I had to deal with today.

As a grandmother my heart broke for Mia. I know that what she is going to do tomorrow isn't because she loves Andrew, it's because she loves her country and marrying is just a part of her duty. I hated to see her crying this morning and it was all I could do not to join her, as my own heart was breaking at love lost. Mia deserves to marry for love not fondness as I had to do. It seems that neither of us will have that chance now.

However as her Queen, her behavior last night was a complete nightmare. The media is all over the place looking for any reason to shed Mia and the royal family in a bad light. How can she not understand this? How can she not realize that her actions reflect poorly upon the Royal family and the people of Genovia? As disappointed as I am as Mia's Queen, in her actions from last night her grandmother can't help but to be a little proud of her for at least allowing herself one night.

Now I'm sitting here in my dark office…alone drinking this awful brandy. The one person who would know exactly how to fix this mess is Joseph and I have now closed that door forever. Today of all days I need him, just to be able to see him would make things a little better but he has avoided me all day. I knew he was upset after what happened last night but I never once expected to walk into my office to find his letter of retirement. I knew what it was the moment I saw the envelope and I could not hold back the tears that fell as I looked it over. He is really leaving me and for good it seems this time.

Hopefully after tomorrow things will get better. Mia will be married tomorrow and within the week she will take my place on the throne. Surely after things have settled with Mia, Joseph will hear me out and allow me to explain myself to tell him what I should have told him last night.

* * *

Laying her pen down Clarisse closed her diary and placed it back in the drawer. Pushing her chair back slightly she rested her head down on her desk for a moment feeling quite defeated after the pass several days. Closing her eyes she prayed that everything went as planned for Mia's wedding and that somehow she would find comfort in Mia's happiness because it was apparent the she was not destined to ever be truly happy. She also prayed that if Joseph had to leave her, that he would someday find happiness as well.

Sitting back up in her chair, she wiped the tears that had escaped her eyes. Standing she took a deep cleansing breath, squared her shoulders, smoothed her hands over her suit and slipped her queen mask back into place before making her way up to her bed chamber.


	12. Chapter 12: Mia's Wedding Day

Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has stuck it out with me on this journey. I decided to write three entries for the wedding day but split them up, so we have the morning(which is below) then we will have after the wedding, and FINALLY the part everyone has been waiting for the wedding night! Special thanks to Mrs.J Elizondo, Johanna, Veve, and CharlotteKutaway for your AWESOME reviews! You ladies rock!

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Clarisse Confesses Chapter 12: The Day of Mia's Wedding

Clarisse sat on her sofa trying to enjoy a cup of tea after taking a quick stroll through the gardens this beautiful morning. However regret rushed through her veins, for the harsh words she uttered just two days ago. Her eyes turned watery and red as the hurtful moments were brought back to mind again. Looking up to the heavens her lips moved wretchedly in prayer, imploring the gods to have mercy on her today.

Clarisse knew she only had about two hours before her ladies maids would arrive to help her dress for Mia's wedding. Shaking her head, she tried desperately to shake the agonizing feeling of guilt and shame that now consumed her.

_Dear Diary, _

_Today is the day Mia is to marry Andrew. Today should be a happy day; I should be happy that my granddaughter is getting married but is my heart swelled with happiness? No. Quite the contrary, today I'm a mixture of feelings: angry, guilty, but mostly scared._

_I'm angry that Joseph walked away from me without giving me the chance to explain. I'm angry that although I desperately searched for him yesterday he was nowhere to be found. _

_I'm feeling guilty, because I should have went after him that night, I should have made him listen to me… No, I should have just given him the answer my heart pleaded with me to give instead of allowing my head to make the decision._

_I'm scared that today of all days I might 'lose it' in front of everyone. I haven't seen Joseph since he walked through the doors of the ballroom that night although I know he was watching me this morning, as I made my way through the garden. My body could feel his eyes boring into my soul but I couldn't bear to look up at him standing on the balcony, it would have been my undoing. _

_I desperately hope that I can keep the mask in place today but I fear that will not be the case._

Laying her pen down as she heard the knock on the door signaling that her ladies maids had arrived, she hurriedly wiped the tears away that had cause a permanent stain on her cheeks the pass two days. With a heavy heart she stood making her way to the door.

~tbc~


	13. Chapter 13: The Wedding Day!

Chapter13: THE WEDDING DAY!

Written by: Clarisse Elizondo

Author's Note: Thank you Johanna for the lovely review! By the way, you should know that I'm getting a nice pile of bricks over here and I might start throwing them back if you don't write me some smut soon! *grins*

Thank to everyone else who is reading this!

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Clarisse sat at her desk thinking about the events that had just taken place while Joseph was busy gathering things from his suite and making sure Shades had everything covered now that he would no longer be standing post at the reception. Mia had changed an age old law that not only affected her, but all future queens and in the midst of all the chaos she had, with encouragement from Mia and Charlotte just married Joseph.

Dear Diary,

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions so far and it's barely four o'clock. This morning I sat in this very spot, my heart breaking at the thought of not being able to make it through the day. I had missed Joseph terribly and he hadn't even left yet, but now my heart is bursting with happiness. Today, I married the only man I have ever truly loved.

_Turning to Joseph after her brief conversation with Amelia she called him before her "Joseph?"_

_As he moved to stand before his queen she softened her voice as she asked "Dear Joseph. I'm I too late to ask for your hand in marriage?"_

_Her eyes lit up with joy as he responded "I thought you'd never ask"_

_Taking her arm in his, they made their way down the aisle of the church to stand before the archbishop where Clarisse finally brought their love out of the shadows by telling the archbishop "I'd like to take this man as my husband, if you please"_

_After exchanging vows, they were pronounced husband and wife. _

Her mouth curled into a pleasant smile, as tears of joy welled up in her eyes as she thought about how lastly she had gotten her happily ever after.

_As they made their way back down the aisle they were greeted with smiling faces. Once in the bishop's private office Joe, turned to her and swept her up in his arms. His deep blue eyes, now red and watery as he held her body close to his, tears of great happiness and comfort trickled down his cheek, finally coming to rest on his chin._

_Moving her hands from around his neck she brushed the tears away with her thumbs before pressing her lips to his once again. When the kiss broke, Clarisse's emotions hit her like a bullet through her chest. Pulling back to look into his eyes she began to whisper her apologies. _

_"Joseph ,I'm so sorry about…" _

_Placing his finger on her lips to silence her, he said_ "_Clarisse, what lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. We both made mistakes but none of that matters today." He finished before kissing her again. This kiss was intense and deeper than the previous kiss they shared, her eyes sparkled with happiness when the kiss ended resting her forehead against his, she breathed "Emerson said that" tightening her arms around his neck._

The moment I asked Joseph to marry me was a nervous wreck. I feared that my rejection of his proposal would come back to me, but in that moment it didn't matter, as I knew I loved him with every fiber of my being, and there was no way I could walk out of that church not knowing.

When I heard his reply my heart leaped with joy. I was too overcome with happiness to even worry about what others thought about us. We loved each other and today that was all that mattered.  
Joseph was right when he quoted Emerson "what lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

I do believe at this very moment, sitting here waiting for my husband to return so we can make our way arm in arm down the hall, to our reception, that I must be the luckiest woman on earth.

* * *

Laying her pen down, closing her diary she stood as her knight entered 'their' suite, tossing the things he had gathered from his room on her sofa, he wrapped his strong arms around her as she melted her body to his.

~TBC~

OK so the next chapter will be the last one in this series and it has to be written right since it is the most important LOL so please remember that, if it takes me a little while to update it. I promise no longer than a week.

Read. Review. Follow. Favorite


	14. Chapter 14: C&J Wedding Night

Author's Note: Thank you to every single person who has left reviews for this little piece of drabble, you all are what keep me going. Also thanks to everyone who has followed and favorite! Thank you to Mrs. J.E. for helping me get this started otherwise it still wouldn't be done! This story is now complete as this is the finally chapter.

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The early morning sunrise peaked through the gap in the curtains, casting a single ray into the otherwise dark room. Rousing slightly, Clarisse realized that for the first time in over thirty years she was not alone. As her mouth curled into a pleasant smile she slowly made her way out of the bed taking special care not to wake her husband. Pulling the bedroom door up behind her she walked over to the double doors in the sitting room and opened them to allow the fresh new day to come pouring in. Closing her eyes as the light traveled across her body allowing the light to cleanse her soul and rejuvenate her spirit. Taking a deep cleansing breath she turned, making her way back to her desk she pulled out her diary and picked up her pen.

Dear Diary,

Well it's the morning after a perfect day and an even more perfect night, and as I write this my new husband remains sleeping in our bed. In OUR bed, I can't believe it. It felt so good to fall to asleep in his arms last night and to know that I would be waking up beside him this morning; it was just...just marvelous.

I am still very much on cloud nine; my heart feels like it will burst from happiness at any given second.

Last night was astonishing! Although it wasn't our first time together, I know we were both apprehensive, we wanted our wedding night to be perfect…and it was.

_Her brilliant blue eyes sparkled with happiness and love as she let her mind wander back to the events of last night. Scooping her up before entering the suite, Joe carried his new bride to the bedroom, while she buried her head in the crook of his neck kissing and nipping the base of his throat, he gently placed her on the bed, slowly and carefully undressing her while she made quick work of his clothes. Her delicate hands wandered up and down his back, their kisses were slower and more passionate, and wrapping her arms around his neck she pulled him closer, melding his body to hers. A small moan escaped her lips as she felt his tongue leave her mouth, he kissed and nipped at her neck as she moved her head to the side allowing him greater access, his lips burning a trail along her neck down to the top swells of her freckled breast, closing her eyes as he kissed over her stomach as his hands wandered everywhere else leaving a trail of fire on her skin. Positioning himself above her, he lowered his head, kissing her passionately, bringing her knees up resting them against his hips, as he entered her, filling her completely as a small moan escaped both their lips. Rocking into her gently, their moans filled the room, sending them both over the edge moments later. Seeking comfort in each other's arms in the warm tenderness of afterglow they held each other tight, kissing and caressing, sharing their hopes and dreams of their future together._

Joseph had been so attentive last night, as he explored every inch of my body, like it was the first time he had seen it maybe that was the first time he really allowed himself the pleasure to 'really' see it. I know for me, our love making last night was completely different than the previous times because last night I finally gave up total control. For the first time in my life I willingly allowed a man to possess me. All this time I thought that I would feel powerless and exposed but I was completely wrong, instead I felt exquisite. Turning the power over was highly stimulating, I can think of nothing better than to be completely smothered by Joseph love.

Laying her pen down, placing her diary safely back into the side draw she walked backed over to the French doors taking one last breath of fresh air before closing them to return back to bed and her husband's warm welcoming arms.

The end


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